See status as of: February 3, 2003 | August 18, 2003 | June 2, 2004 | November 21, 2004 | December 16, 2004 | May 6, 2005 | June 28, 2005 | November 22, 2006 | December 22, 2006 | March 30, 2007 | June 1, 2007 | October 1, 2007
Do not go gentle into that good night
Dearest Samantha,
There’s a famous poem by Dylan Thomas that explains that death is inevitable but you should never give up to it without a fight. You are to “rage” against it. I have so raged against inevitability.
Today, the U.S. Supreme Court destroyed our final legal recourse to safeguard our relationship. They have denied certiorari, which means they have refused to hear the case. Though some “fathers’ rights” groups do not agree with the best approach for recovering their children, they all do agree that the primary law causing the tragedy to their lives is the intentionally misnamed “best interest of the child.” This law, which is almost universally applied, gives courts unlimited discretion to make any decision for a child, even if the parents have not be deemed “unfit” (i.e., convicted of abusing or neglecting the child). Audaciously, I was asking the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the best interest of the child law as unconstitutional. They deliberately ignored me.
I endured my struggle over the last 7 years with a confidence of knowing the truth. I refused to submit to deceit and strived to reach an ideal. Though I am discouraged, I haven’t lost my “faith” in the power of ideas. It’s just that my ambitious head is now empty of realistic alternatives. (Daddy! You know what? I have an idea! How ‘bout I call them and say I want to still see you a lot? Can you dial the judge’s number for me?) That’s a wonderful idea sunshine and I hope that one day you’ll tell someone who can actually make that happen. And, please don’t get me wrong - as there was nothing independent about this so-called judicial review, I’m not quitting as it would be immoral to surrender. I realized a few years ago with great shock and horror that the U.S. Supreme Court has long been corrupted and stopped protecting fundamental rights, but I had to try to break through anyway. I tried to work within the system, as naïve as that was. Some lessons can’t be taught – they must be lived. I have lived and I have learned. You will not find justice in the courts – all judges are corrupt. As I’ve often reminded myself, a fish stinks from the head.
As you know, I love to read. (I love to read too Daddy! Do you remember the 25 books I read over the summer with you?) Yes I do sweetheart. I was very, very proud of you, and I am especially proud of the progress you continue to make with your reading skills. (And “mathy” too daddy!) Yes, munchkin. You’re doing great with math as well and I’m so happy that you enjoy it so much. As for me, I especially like to read books about history. As a friend once counseled me, those who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it. There was a very famous person named Patrick Henry around the time the Declaration of Independence was pronounced (he was the primary person responsible for getting the Bill of Rights into the Constitution). He had many famous quotes, but this is one I think most appropriate on which to reflect now:
“Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves longer. Sir, we have done everything that could be done to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned; we have remonstrated; we have supplicated; we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and Parliament. Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned with contempt from the foot of the throne.
“In vain, after these things, may we indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If we wish to be free; if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained, - we must fight! I repeat it, sir, - we must fight! An appeal to arms, and to the God of hosts, is all that is left us.”
Maybe, once again, that is all that’s left. (Daddy, I didn’t understand what he said.) It’s alright beautiful; I know someday you will.
At the beginning of July, I overheard you mention to a neighborhood friend why you’re so often at your mom’s house. You told her that, because your dad travels so much, you have to stay at your mom’s. You told her that’s what your mom told you. (I remember that Daddy – I was practicing piano.) That’s right precious, you were playing beautifully. And, because a judge would put me in jail if I explained or showed you the truth, prudently, I remained silent. (You mean that isn’t true daddy?) No pumpkin; it isn’t. Samantha, for the rest of your life, many people who falsely believe themselves to be honest but are without integrity are going to distort facts, offer you inaccurate information, or downright lie to you, even as they occasionally and selectively tell the truth. There’s no use being morose over it, as you can’t change the behaviors of others. But you must not ever trust mendacious people. Contrary to what they claim, they do not lie out of kindness or justice – they do it out of warped fear of hurting their already low self-esteems; they try to deflect their own deficiencies. Always question what you are told to believe and validate the facts and the logic. Form your opinions based solely on the proof you see with your own eyes. Learn to think for yourself, rather than blanking out your mind and accepting what people tell you. Want the truth and seek it out. It will strengthen your mind and your soul. Lies are evil.
The burden of the last 7 years has been torturous and devastating for me. I’m not sure if the nightmares I have most nights will ever end. I spend hours trying to fall asleep… imaging what might have been had the U.S. Supreme Court heard my case and allowed me to equally share your life as you grow up. My heart aches constantly. ([Crying.]) Don’t cry dearest – you were worth every moment of it. Put all of my whining aside; what concerns me even more is that, now that I lost my final legal battle, you are in even more danger from these government terrorists. I was unsuccessful in reaching my ideal and I was unsuccessful in protecting you; now you will bear the brunt of the consequences from both of my failures. I am so, so sorry baby. I will bear the responsibility for and sufferings of my own actions – but not those of others. I made the proper choices and I am proud of them. Besides, their judgment means nothing – only yours does.
A long time ago, I “fell in love” with your mom. Make no mistake about it my little girl, you were conceived in love. Yet, I’ve always disliked that term. “Falling” in love implies descension. Yet, the love I feel for you is completely different from what I thought, years ago, it was supposed to be – now, it’s like ascension to a world that could be… should be. I no longer will settle for anything less. I often ponder how much love I have to offer, and it was exactly that which they used against me and why they could so easily destroy my life. I dreamt of sharing that love liberally with a family, but it appears most of it will now go “unused.” Loneliness seems like such a waste – to have something so pure and valuable without an “outlet.” But I will never waste my love again by giving it away for free to those who don’t deserve it. ([Wipes tears.] Why daddy?)
Because sweetheart – love is earned.
Love always,
Daddy
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